there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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