my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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