Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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