I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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