dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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