I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize