today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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