I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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