Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
