I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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