can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
