he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
