"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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