help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
