I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize