this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
