What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
