i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
someone owes me an orgasm
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
