yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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