How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
