you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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