I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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