i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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