We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
