It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I want is dick and wine.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
