I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol