you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.