you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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