Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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