She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
