new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.