This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
