What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
