Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
