My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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