No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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