End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
