you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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