Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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