You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
