If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
