THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
