Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
