he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
