I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
