Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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