Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
