LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
