I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
