franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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