Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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